Pale
by Alahnore
Summary: In and out slips his consciousness. In and out goes his thoughts. He recalls everyone in those lucid moments, and the pain pales before the wish to be with them again.


Every time he wakes up, Yuri immediately wishes he didn't. There was pain all over, ranging from mild to excruciating. Not a part of him was spared, and Yuri groans as he swims in this agonizing haze for several minutes before he drops off again. Each time he drops off, he wonders, _do I finally die now_?

But Yuri never dies. He pushes through the darkness and back to the world of the living, if only for a few minutes at a time. He can't stay asleep. There's so much to do, so much to finish, to fix… Yuri does not leave loose ends if he can help it. There's too much left for him to die and leave it all unfinished.

He wakes up and he thinks of Estelle's sweet smile, her innocent laugh. He'd never met someone who wasn't a young child as naïve as she was… but she'd gotten so strong. Beside him he had watched her grow from a sheltered princess to a woman of conviction and surety. She was a kindness he could never have himself, but he could protect her. He could nurture that, if he could wake up. She had seen the world, and learned so much… it was his responsibility to see her home safely. He wants to see her put that knowledge, her new way of thinking, into her work to slowly better this world. And then the world fades to black, and finally the pain stops for a little while.

The pain wakes him up again and it reminds him of all the times Rita tried to fireball him. Hot-tempered, closed off little Rita who used to care less about people and more about inanimate objects; quick to make angry but one of the best allies he had. She was incredibly smart… a lot smarter than him, but Yuri knows she was unhappy. Yet as she travels with them, grows close to Estelle, he can't help but notice there was a softer girl under there. One who wanted friends, a more social life, and she was smart to grab the chance while she did. Yuri wants to get up and keep her on the path she was on, because Rita needs guidance no matter what she says, and he saw it as his responsibility to guide her and help keep her at Estelle's side. He knows they need each other, and he wants to prevent them from being pushed apart. The pain flares, makes his already hazy vision blur more, and soon he sees absolutely nothing.

When he sees light again he thinks of the old man and his glittering blastia heart. Yuri's own heart aches, remembering the betrayal, and then he recalls the inability to outright hate Raven for what he did because he realizes even wizened people are afraid of things. Raven did wrong, but unlike the people Yuri killed, Raven wants to repent. Yuri might not seem like it, but he wants to help Raven accept what he had done and who he was now… and who he was before. Raven was older, but he had a lot of growing up to do as well, and Yuri had said his life belongs to Brave Vesperia. He did that, because Yuri wants Raven to finally value his life. It would be a long lesson to teach and learn and Yuri has to pull through in order to make Raven find his actual goal in life, to actually live. The light fades, a lot like how Raven's blastia did when he finished using Blast Heart, and just before he fades Yuri wonders if this was it.

It wasn't, because Yuri returns to the world for a moment with Karol on his mind. Poor Karol, so skittish and easy to scare… but for a kid he was brave. He was getting braver by the day and Yuri is proud of him. So proud of him, because Karol was growing up and discovering who _he_ was, not what he thought people like Nan wanted. Yuri wants to see Karol when he's all grown up and an adult, and he wants to see him confident and strong. Yuri knows there was a man in Karol that could really help this world, a natural leader who would not only do his part but truly and deeply care for those under him. Yuri knows Karol needs support, and he wants to be there to help and give him that leverage that brought Karol from the screeching, frightened child he met in the Quoi Woods to the mature, brave man he was meant to be. Yuri tries to keep envisioning it, but the vision gets drowned by the pain and darkness.

He surfaces again and swears he sees Judy's teasing eyes above him, but it was just the lighting and his delusional mind playing tricks on him. Suave, beautiful Judy in all of her power and strength, yet Yuri could see by it all. There was a core there, guilt-ridden and driven to right the wrongs others had done before her no matter the cost. There was a kindred spirit there, and Yuri enjoys that connection. Someone who would do the right thing, no matter what, yet Judy tried to carry it all on her own. She still does. Judy tries to keep her secrets, and while Yuri respects that, he hopes she'll open up and realize she isn't alone. Like him, she has to know the advantages, the happiness, of having friends and family again, not just her and Ba'ul. Yuri hopes, despite what he'd done or said to her, that Judy will see the truth like he did. He wants to help her along her path like he promised, if only he could stay awake, if he could heal…

There's a day where Yuri wakes up and there's tears in his eyes. It hurts so much. He wasn't sure what made it hurt, but everything did. He couldn't even breathe without the pain flaring up, and he couldn't live if he didn't breathe. Was this his fate? To keep going, to keep hurting? _If this is my punishment, haven't I suffered enough?_ Wasn't it enough he was away from his friends, that he was probably worrying them and driving them up the wall with guilt? Wasn't it enough he wasn't there to protect them and help them? _Just kill me, let me go to hell and rot there._

Yuri stares at the blurry lights above him, grimacing and wondering where the end was. He wills the pain to end, the blurriness to go away—either to clear or to fade to black and never lighten again. He was floating in an ocean of agony and he just wants it to _stop_.

Yet through the haze, through the pain, he can still see it. Golden rays of the sun, warm and welcoming, and the rolling blue of the ocean with the white clouds… He wants to see it again. He wants to feel that awe again.

The sun becomes hair, the ocean becomes eyes and the clouds form armor. For a split second, he sees it, and he smiles lopsidedly despite the pain.

_You're right. There's that, too. I promised, didn't I?_

There was a score there to settle. There were grievances to work through, sentiments to express. His best friend deserves all of that and more, Yuri knows. He has to be there, to cheer him on and do the things no one else wants to do so the people could live and hope. Yuri has to stay, to support the person he had all his life and knew he'd have for the rest of it. And the rest of it was going to be a long time beyond these painful days. Yuri needed that reminder… everyone needs that reminder, sometimes. There's someone, or many someones, that make it worth staying alive for, to stay in this world.

He promised.

And Yuri Lowell keeps his promises.


End file.
